I am going Insane

I have been losing weight at a comparatively rapid rate. It seems like with each day that passes, I lose a pound or two. Sure I'd like to be in better shape, but this is not the way that I want it to happen. When I was working out, my weight stayed the same. I haven't worked out in weeks, not really sure how long it's been, but it's been a while. To explain why I have been losing weight I must first give the reasons as to why I am upset about losing weight.

I am going insane. I am a college student with about a 3.3 GPA. I am taking three summer courses. One summer session takes one month. This means that each class fits a semester's worth of work into one month. This is multiplied by three. This, I can handle.

I am going insane. I hate my job, but then again, who doesn't? I am supposed to be part-time, but during my winter "break" from college I worked 44 hours in the course of seven straight days, one of them being a 12 hour work day. If not for a snow storm that knocked out the power to the store, it would have been 8 straight work days. My knees began to hurt to the point that it became unbearable. I had to buy a knee brace to make it through the day. That was December, it is now June and my knees still hurt. I think it may be psychological damage, more so than physical. Whenever I think about going into work, or just remember that I have to go to work later that day, or the next day, or at any point at all ever, my knees start to hurt. Now I work about 28 hours a week. Sometimes when I go out for lunch, people will ask where I'm going. When they ask me to get them stuff, I like them not hating, and have to get their lunch too, I get about four minutes out of my 30 minute break to eat a foot long sub or whatever I, and by I, I mean my fellow workers, decide to get for lunch. No time for me to breath. Damn this economy. This, I can handle.

I am going insane. My family obligations take up entirely too much time. I have other stuff that I need to do. Things that can't be avoided, like homework, going to class, going to work, and so on, and so on. They guilt trip me whenever they can, maybe not intentionally, but they do. I can only focus on homework when my immediate family is asleep. When I do get to sleep, I take melatonin to fall and stay asleep, and take energy shots just to open my eyes and roll out of bed.This, I can handle.

When you combine all this it takes up way too much time. School takes about 20 hours per week. Work takes a little more than 28 hours a week when you factor in preparation time and the drive. My family is a constant problem that needs to be attended to. Now let's do the math. I spend about 5-10 hours sleeping per night. That means 14-19 hours awake and going, just going, no rest, just going. That means 35-70 hours per week asleep and 98-133 hours awake. That's 98-133 hours I spend angry, wishing that I had some free time.

A lot of this non-free time is spent kind of hungry, if not very, very hungry. I have been spread so incredibly thin and so much time spent doing things that I have devalued food. I put off eating in order to do other things. I never really liked breakfast, but I'd eat it. Now I find myself avoiding breakfast foods altogether. The other day, I had to do some homework before going to class, went to class, ate some food, and then went to work. That food was the first time I ate that day and that wasn't until about 4:40 p.m. Am I happy that I'm losing weight? No. Am I happy that I'm forcing myself to go insane because I need money? No. Am I angry? Yes. Anger. This, I can handle. I wish the other voices in my head were handling this as well as I am.